Stupid
by elaine30
Summary: Just your basic Endgame fixer upper- short and sweet. Janeway POV.


Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own these folks and while I've been reading about them for over 15 years, this is my first foray into actually contributing to the fandom! (I know, I'd want to run away too.) I heard Adele's song "Love in the Dark" on her new album, and once the idea occurred to me it wouldn't let me go. Enjoy.

Stupid

 _Life has a funny way of running away from you, if you don't pay attention for too long. Truly it wasn't supposed to be like this... I should back up, enough with the self pity, Kathryn._

 _We've been home 3 weeks, and all things considered, things went the best I could have possibly hoped for Voyager and my crew. The Maquis were all pardoned without question and every single field commission upheld, in addition to promotions being handed out left and right- now all that's left to do is pick up the pieces of the lives we left behind so many years ago. I think the crew is finding it just as hard as I am to adjust, but I do know that Starfleet is just so relieved to have something to celebrate that they'll bend over backwards to help us all adjust- starting with 6 months of mandatory leave for all crew members. I can can only hope that is enough!_

 _So here I am. I've taken Starfleet up on the offer of temporary quarters in San Francisco- I think my mother was hurt at first that I didn't plan to spend all 6 months in my childhood bedroom, but after 2 weeks of her feeding me and tip toeing around like I was going to crack at any little thing, honestly I needed the space. I know it is unreasonably selfish of me after all I've put my mother through, but I'm so overwhelmed by being home, and I certainly can't explain to my mother or my sister that I miss my family- my voyager family- when I should be thanking the powers that be that I made it home to anyone at all! Unlike so many of my crew..._

 _But selfish or not, I do- miss my life on Voyager, that is. And more importantly being home means I'm adjusting to being alone. Funny how being on a ship with 150 people day in and day out, you really take for granted the constant presence of people in your life. As soon as left my comfortable but somewhat stifling childhood home and I walked through the door to my new digs (with a great view of the bay, by the way), I dropped my single bag of belongings, and fell to the floor with exhausted sobs. Maybe it sounds weird, but I don't think it hit me that I was actually alone until I really was, well, alone._

 _For someone as supposedly strong as I'm supposed to be, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm alone. Lonely. And gods, is it quiet. I keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking something is wrong when really it is just the silence of not being on a starship for the first time in seven years. But I refuse, absolutely refuse, to turn into that awful version of my future self. It was like seeing a specter of the worst possible future reality. Step one is figuring out how to avoid it. And that begins here. I've been settling in for a week, and after I got the sobs out and exorcised some of the ghosts of the last 7 years, I slept dead to the world for almost 3 days straight. The blinking light on my monitor tells me I must have hundreds of messages to work through, but I've no intention of looking at them until I've made some decisions._

 _The good thing about encountering a possible future version of yourself, is that you get a golden opportunity to assess what you don't like. And really, I'll be honest here, I looked like hell and behaved like it too. Whatever else I learned from meeting my future self, I know I will be thanking her (me?) forever for letting me see what I was so close to becoming. I've consciously decided to believe (gods, so badly do I want to believe!) that the other awful news she brought from the future- and why she needed to be the harbinger of the death of all my dreams, I can only guess- is no longer an inevitability in this timeline. Literally imagining Seven and Chakotay together makes me want to run to the nearest waste basket. Yes there is it, the crux of my misery. I'm trying not to think about it too hard._

 _All this is to say, that goddammit, I will not become her- and I'm planing on achieving that goal by firstly concentrating on me, which is something I've not done in oh five solid years, give or take. The last few days of this week were spent filling my new apartment with groceries- Coffee! Fresh vegetables!- and bubble baths- goddamn they've come out with some delectable stuff in 7 years- and yes, my sister Phoebe coercing me to spend some time in the best spa in the city. I can't put in to words what a balm to my soul it has been to be back in her presence- siblings have an uncanny ability to remind of who you were when you where 10, and lets be honest, certain things don't ever change- like me wanting to kill her after 4 hours in her company!But it has been nice to be reminded that I, Kathryn Janeway, am more than just a uniform with four pips. I think I'm almost beginning to remember that I'm a woman, with all that entails, again. And it feels good. Really really good._

 _So here I am, squeaky clean, rested, and settled in as much as I'll be in my new place, and as soon as I begin to question what I want from my life, I know that a big part of any decisions I make are dependent upon the one person who I've yet to reach out to. I know I'm afraid of what he'll say, or not say, but. I just haven't been able to comm him. How is it that I've lost so much of myself along the way that facing down the Borg sounds preferable than a friendly chat with my best friend? It is hard to know how to move forward when so much of the life you'd imagined for yourself is missing. I know it wasn't going to be easy- it never was- but I certainly didn't imagine it would be like this... just nothing. Straight up silence. On both of our parts._

 _My mom suggested I log everything I'm feeling to help me work through it, but I just feel like it is redundant at this point. I know how I feel, hopelessly stupidly besotted and in love- but I've no idea where he stands. Without giving too much away, B'Elanna told me he was staying with she and Tom, and has been since a week after our return (which I'm sure she doesn't mind one bit, because I know how he dotes on Miral)- but I do know that he hasn't come to me... and I 'm not sure how to read that. I know he and Seven are done and have been since a few days after we landed- thank you very much Tom for being ridiculously obvious with that information- and I don't want to believe that something as ridiculous as Seven is going to keep us from our possible future, but after so many years fighting, and the horrible things we said, and the things we didn't say, dodging our own feelings, I wonder if there is even anything there any more. I'm not a coward, I'm just not as brave as everyone thinks, especially in matters of love. It is easy to be brave when my angry warrior is by my side- but how can I be brave when he is the very thing I'm most afraid of?_

 **Beep**

The door chime makes me jump. A slightly annoyed frown appears on my face. "Computer, end log" _Who the hell could that be?_

Kathryn, clad in old faded jeans falling off her hips -mom's cooking hasn't yet put back on the 20 pounds she's lost in the last seven years- and a simple black tee, walks over to where the chime sounded. The door slides open with a whisper and Kathryn Janeway, hero of the delta quadrant, wants nothing more than to run away, because standing before her as if her thoughts had conjured him out of thin air, is the very man she was musing about. And he does not look pleased.

"Chakotay! I wasn't expecting anyone; what are you doing here?" The cautious smile that lit up my face when I saw who it was slowly falls away when I notice his stoic expression.

"Just sit down and don't talk." _Well. Rude much?_ I decide to let this play out and arch my eyebrow in my best Tuvok impression, grab my almost empty coffee mug from the counter, and obediently make my way to the couch. He hesitantly follows me. _What in the world..._ I can only imagine what is going through his mind, but I think I'm about to find out.

"Don't look at me please... this is hard and I'm so ashamed. Of what happened, of my behavior, of me even thinking I have a right to be here now..." He pauses to swallow, before continuing, "I know we've been here before, on the edge of talking about this... us.. whatever this is... but this time I can't stay. I don't love you any more."

Of all the things I expected him to march in here and say, (and I certainly had imagined versions of this before, but usually it ended with him sweeping me into his arms and off to my bedroom) I'll admit this was not really a scenario I had considered. Which is maybe a testament to just how dumb I am. I'm not really sure. All I know is that the now empty mug falls from my hand, the ceramic handle shattering as it hits the hard tile. I watch, detached, as the handle clatters to the corner, and strangely spend a second mourning the loss of my favorite mug, a mug that had survived the delta quadrant, and my thoughts are almost in slow motion.

I shake my head and open my mouth as I move to get up and he interrupts: "Please, stay where you are. Don't make this harder than it is, you know I'm only being honest for both our sakes. Don't try to change my mind, Kathryn. I can't." His mouth twists into an almost wry self-flagellating grim half grin.

My mouth gapes open and I try to put my shattered thoughts in some sort of order- I try to make a protest, but no noise will move beyond my lips, and instead a strangled whimpering groan comes out.

Noticing my distress, he vehemently continues, "I can't love you in the dark, dammit! It feels like we're oceans apart- there is so much space between us I couldn't even tell you how to cross it." He stops, running a hand hurriedly through his now gray specked hair, hanging his head. "You know it and I know it, we're already defeated." I can see what saying these words is doing to him- the man I love is slowly crumbling before my eyes, and being replaced with the steel reserve of a very troubled Maquis I once knew.

"Please know, Kathryn, please know, you've given me something I can't live without- please don't forget that when you're hurting and doubting if this is right. But I can't carry on like everything is fine and you know the longer we pretend it is, the more we'll fight." He releases a shuddering breath and the transformation is complete. Chakotay, angry warrior, stands imposingly before me.

I still can't get a word in, and I'm terrified. The look in his eyes is absolutely firm- hard, flinty, and I can't tell if what he is saying is what he really believes... or if I've just hurt this beautiful soul for so long and in so many ways that he is walking away to preserve himself. Unconsciously I know my face is now covered with tears, I've no way of stopping them, not now. It's like a dam has broken and my worst fears have true. I'm still unable to force myself to say words- it's like my brain is broken and I'm not processing what I'm hearing.

He looks over at me- "Please, Kathryn. Don't fall apart- I can't look at your breaking heart." His eyes close. "I'm trying to be brave, for you, for me, to let you go. You know you'll always be in my life, and I couldn't live without knowing that, but that's why I have to leave... Everything, everything out there, changed me. I want to live, not just survive."

… And before I can pick myself up off the couch, he is out the door. It's almost like he was never here, but my broken mug and racing heart clearly prove otherwise. I don't know how long I sit there, processing- minutes? Seconds? A lifetime?

I jump up, muttering "shitshitshitshit" to myself and frantically race to the door- _who the hell does he think he is?_ \- and all of a sudden I'm the maddest I've ever been. _If that asshole thinks he can just walk in here, in MY apartment, to dump me and claim its for my own good, of all the selfish stupid things to do!_ I don't know how my brain thinks I can be dumped when we aren't even together but I go with it. Righteous indignation! It feels good after so long of not feeling. I don't know where my shoes are and I've no time to find them, and I know at this moment I am crazy person but I have no choice. I know that if I let him walk away this time, it will be for good. I'll never find him, my Chakotay, again and I just can't live with that. Not now. Not after everything we've been through.

I sprint through the door, one hand holding up my jeans, cursing him under my breath as I go, "dammit, motherfucking stupid stupid man!" and just catch the vision of his figure in the lift as the doors close. _Noooo! What do I do? Stairs. Yes, stairs! I'm a genius._

I take them 3 at a time and hope to the gods I don't kill myself chasing after my idiot of a former first officer, and finally make it to the first floor. I burst into the building lobby just in time for the lift doors to open and before me is a broken man, not the steel face that walked out of my apartment minutes ago. I don't even think he sees me. And it is the saddest thing I've ever seen. If my heart wasn't already breaking, it would break all over again for him at this moment.

I know I look like a hot mess, barefoot, my hair is a tangled bun on top of my head, a blotchy face, but as he steps out of the lift I launch myself at him at the threshold. It is instinct, I've no idea what I'm doing other than panicking.

"Oomph!" I force my arms around him crying, whispering, whimpering, over and over "chakotaychakotaychakotay" and based on the way his whole body recoils, I know the battle isn't over yet. He pushes me from him, "Dammit Kathryn, just leave it alone!" he roars and I slap him.

I slap him right across the face. And oh my god I'm not sure where it came from but its as if my body had a gut reaction. I knew the only way to get to him was going to be to shock him out of his stupidity. I immediately pull my stinging hand back and put it to my mouth in dismay. I think we are both too shocked to say anything for a few seconds and then I see his eyes turn dark and he narrows them down his nose at me. I'm in trouble. _Shit_.

I don't know what his facial expression means ,I've never seen his eyes that dark before, but I can't help myself, and a strangled laugh emerges from me. "You stupid, stupid man! I love you!" I confess, and before I can talk myself out of it, my lips lock onto his like they will give me life. I know I've startled him because his whole body stiffens and for a long few seconds (for-ev-er, truly) I think its over, I know its over, and _shit shit i"m the biggest idiot in the galaxy_ , and I try to back up, when his arms roughly grab my waist and pull me to him- and thank god, he kisses me back like his life depends on it. And maybe it does. We lose ourselves for a time (who knows how long) but I'm brought out of it by a building attendant coughing nervously over my left shoulder.

"Um, excuse me, ma'am, um,i mean, captain, um, .."I look up over the poor boy's head to see a million paparazzi snapping photos through the glass. _Shit shit shit_ I though this was the reason starfleet put me up here! So that I wouldn't have to deal with these sycophantic fools- but in fairness, they are outside... It isn't the building's fault that I've decided to finally kiss the man I've been in love with for the greater part of a decade in the very public foyer of my building instead of the privacy of my own rooms... _aaaaand I'm an idiot._

I waive the employee off and smile my thanks. Chakotay, bless the man, regains his bearings, looks around to see what I see, and instead of jumping back as I expect, he chuckles and pulls me against his chest, mumbling unintelligibly into my hair, and just like that, I don't care. I. Don't. Care. The universe could be imploding around us and honestly I wouldn't even know. Chakotay is still here, touching me, hugging me, and though I can't actually bring myself to believe It, I know that is all that matters.

I know that a kiss doesn't fix everything, but I'm taking it as a good sign that he isn't going to run away before we have a chance to figure this out. There are a million things I want to say and I've got so many questions- like what kind of stupid person marches into the home of the woman they love to tell them they don't? After not talking for weeks? Like seriously, is he really that stupid?- but I know all will be figured out in time. Because we've got nothing but that. The thought makes me happy and I smile straight into his eyes and I think I may just melt into the floor because what I see mirrored back in his own is so overwhelmingly amazingly beautiful. Love. Just love. And I know this is the thing I've been waiting for, for the last three weeks, for the last decade, for my life.

I move back, grab his hand, and with sheepish grins – and maybe a tinge of chagrin on my part- we waive to the photographers – _gods I don't want to think about the headlines tomorrow_ \- and I pull him into the lift, and together, we are whisked up stairs, to my apartment, to our future, to our new life. Together.

end.

Thanks for reading!


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